A Child Friendly Explanation of Autism

I work with kids with autism, and describing what I do on a day to day basis can be tough to explain to people. I usually end up listing the diagnostic criteria and just saying that we work on correcting those deficits and excesses. The hardest thing, though, is trying to explain to other kids what I do, because launching into an explanation of the DSM-IV criteria won't get either of us anywhere in our quest for understanding. (And anyone who has ever encountered an inquisitive child knows that you won't be going anywhere until you've explained it to their satisfaction!)

So when I got an e-mail from a family member I'd recently visited asking how to explain autism and my job to her daughter, this is what I came up with:

Autism is such a spectrum disorder that I generally just say that I work with kids who need extra help learning stuff - some of them need help learning how to talk, some of them need help learning how to play with toys, and some of them need help learning how to make friends and fit in at school. (The trick is to explain it so that they don't think they have autism if they are having trouble with kids at school). I also usually explain that those things are extra hard for kids with autism, so a lot of times they get really mad at me for making them work so hard, and then sometimes have temper tantrums or yell or throw things at me. Part of my job as their teacher is to help them learn how to do those things so that it won't be hard anymore, but I also have to help them learn how to use their words and calm down when they are upset. So sometimes my job is really hard because kids are angry and don't want to work, but sometimes it's really fun because I get to go to the playground and hang out and play with toys.

That obviously is a super duper simplified explanation, but it's the most comprehensive yet simple definition that I have come up with so far. So if you ever have the need to explain to a child what autism is or what someone who works with them does, feel free to use my definition (and let me know if you can improve it in any way!)

Shout Out To Great Servers!

The Famous Dave's near our house has a great Wednesday Wing night (25 cents each!!) in their bar area, so we go every week. The first few times we went it was just because it was a great deal, and therefore a fun and economical new date night. The service was actually kind of crummy at first, and then it got to be just decent.

However, after the first few weeks, the bartender started to recognize us and remember what we liked (we order the same thing every time, so it's not THAT  hard to do!) Still, when we show up now:

• She comes over or asks us from behind the bar if we want our usual drinks (and, after noticing that J always eats the orange off of the rim of my beer, now brings him a beer with two oranges on it! How cool is that?) If she's too busy to do it herself and someone else takes our drink order, she usually adds the extra oranges to the glasses before they are brought to us.
• She comes over and asks us for our order in case we want something different this time, but (when we get the same thing we always do) she anticipates the extra changes I will be making (an extra side of ranch and buffalo sauce) and makes sure the order is delivered correctly (if she's not available and someone else delivers the order there's always something incorrect or missing, so I know that she is the one catching the mistakes and making sure they are fixed before the food gets to me).
• She comes by at least once to see how we are doing and ask if we need anything else.
• She waits until J has been finished for a while and I'm almost finished with my wings (J eats incredibly quickly and I eat incredibly slowly. We're an interesting couple, all around!) to come by and take our dessert order. (**I should note that at the bottom of the Famous Dave's receipt is always an invitation to a phone survey, and if you do the survey you get a coupon for a free dessert. She knows that I always do the survey and that we'll always get the free dessert when we come in!)
• The first time J and I ordered dessert from her (the brownie sundae, YUM!) we had asked her if the nuts could be taken off of the brownie, not for any health or allergy issue but just because J doesn't particularly like them. She said that they are baked into the brownie, but she could have them cut off the top of the brownie and put it on the side separately. Months later (and we've never asked her to do it again) she still always remembers that J doesn't like nuts and ensures that the part with the nuts is cut off and put on the plate off to the side. (One time a different server took our order and J forgot to say anything about the nuts. When the dessert was brought out, though, the nuts were on the side and the server said that the bartender had let her know how we would want the order placed, even though we forgot to ask). 

Now when we go out on Wednesday, it's because it's our regular date night, a great deal, and a wonderful experience. That kind of attention to detail and the ability to anticipate what we'll want without taking away our right to change our routine or order something different is priceless (and therefore reflected in the tip we leave!)

Most of the time when people remember servers or bartenders, it's because we weren't satisfied with them. Every once in a while it's important to recognize that, just like in any profession, the majority of people will be average or below average, but that there are still some really EXCEPTIONAL employees out there. And those people deserve to be recognized, too. (I think that people who are awful are always noted, but when someone does their job flawlessly, nobody says anything about it. POSITIVE REINFORCEMENT, PEOPLE! We all need it!)
 
I think appreciation for a job well done (in a restaurant, anyhow!) is usually reflected via the amount of tip that you leave, but some people deserve even more than that. One time we noticed a Round Table Pizza employee with a really great work ethic (he was probably about 16, and even though the place was pretty empty he kept finding things to clean, refill, or otherwise tidy up. He kept himself busy instead of standing around and gossiping with the other employees the entire time we were there). We left him a tip on the table (even though it's not the kind of place you usually leave tips!) and J even asked the manager to come out so we could commend the boy. 

I respond to those surveys from Famous Dave's in order to get the free dessert, but I always make a point to mention what fantastic service we get, and I hope that is reflected positively upon our server. We had a new person helping us tonight, and it really made me appreciate even more the level of attention we usually get (I'm going to have to assume that the person tonight was actually a new employee, because otherwise the number of mistakes he made was pretty inexcusable). I've decided that the next time the manager walks around to see how everyone is doing, I'm going to make a point to bring up how much we love our usual server/bartender.

In the meantime, I'd just like to give a shout-out to Theresa K. from the Vista, CA Famous Dave's, because she ROCKS! And while I'm at it, nameless girl who used to work at the Baskin-Robbins in Phoenix, AZ 2 years ago, the fact that you always remembered us and what we were going to order makes you someone that I still miss, even all this time (and miles away!) later.

A big thank you to all of you who take pride in your work and go the extra mile to make me happy. You are the reason I continue to visit your establishments - I can get food and drinks anywhere, but I return to your location because of you. Keep it up!

Sometimes There's Just No Substitute!

I've never had truly terrible acne but I've for sure had difficult times with my skin, and for the last five or six years I've been a dedicated Proactiv user (it really does work as well as the infomercials say!) However, with the smack-down I've put on our budget, I've been trying to find a way to slim down my skincare expenses by switching to cheaper and/or generic products. I didn't want to change my whole skincare routine at once (confounding variables!) so I decided to change out one product at a time, wait to see how that works out, and then target a different product after that. I figured the toner would be the easiest thing to find a replacement for, so I kept using the rest of the products and started experimenting with other toners with similar ingredients.

After a few months of experimentation . . . DISASTER! My skin has been an angry mess (for me, anyhow. It's certainly not as bad as it was when I was a teenager or anything, but it was definitely worse than usual). I switched back to my Proactiv toner for two days, and my skin is already calming down and looking happier (yes, skin can look happy!) My plan now is to stick with the toner and look for a face wash replacement. We'll see how my skin reacts to that change ;)

I think that the majority of the time, the generic is just as good as the brand name. Frosted Mini-Wheats cereal versus Golden Spooners (the kind that come in the bag instead of a box) are hardly distinguishable. Generic kidney beans are no better or worse than the name brand, and why should I pay more for fancy herbs and seasoning when it all comes from the same plant, anyhow?

However, there are those few things where the generics just can't compare. Though I've been eating the generic for years (because it's a lot cheaper!) Skippy peanut butter really is more delicious than the store brand. Some generic medications do NOT work as well as the brand name medications (both over the counter and prescription - I've learned this one the hard way!) Charmin toilet paper and Kleenex brand tissues are both IMMEASURABLY better than the generics (some body parts just can't be tricked by substituting the store brand for name brand items!)

Unluckily for me and my weaning myself off of Proactiv experiment, my skin is one of those body parts that can't be fooled! Oh well. My quest to be a tightwad will continue in other arenas, but I always love to save some time and avoid re-inventing the wheel when at all possible. What are some other items that I shouldn't bother trying to cut corners on? :)

Let's Get Nostalgic!

I was walking to my car last week with my keys in my hand, preparing to push the button to unlock the doors as I approached, when I started thinking about what life was like before car keys had buttons on them! Remember when you had to actually put the key in the door to unlock it????  *gasp*  That's crazy talk!

Then I got into the car and, because it was dark and foggy out, I could see that the headlights were on. The car had turned them on for me, and when I got out of the car, I knew it would turn them off! It hasn't been that many years since I've had a car with that technology, but I am now totally dependent upon it. When we get rental cars, I get confused when I remove the keys from the ignition and the car beeps at me. I'm supposed to turn a knob so the lights go off and the battery doesn't die? What???

So that got me thinking about other Remember when . . . items!


Remember when scrunchies were the coolest things ever? 

How would we have gotten through junior high without fabric and elastic to hold our super awesome hairstyles in place? (I'm being facetious, of course, because they didn't do all that great a job at holding your hair in place! It was slippery fabric, whoever thought that was going to be effective in the first place?) Normal ponytail holders would have done the job much more efficiently, but they weren't as much fun for the boys to steal and throw back and forth (in place of flirting, obviously). My friends and I (ahem, Becky) even made our own, because we were that super amazingly awesome ;)



Remember when cool computer/video games were orange and pixelated?

Pharaoh's Tomb

We used to spend HOURS playing these games that were so much fun, but looking back at them, wow. It's hard to believe we were that enthralled by such simple graphics. (Although J found this game in his archives for me, and when he tried to play he kept walking into the arrows and dying! Apparently, even though the graphics were simple, the gameplay must have taken some level of skill). You also have to remember that at this time, just having color on the screen was a big deal, so that might also have contributed to why we were so impressed ;)


Remember when Tivo/DVRs/Internet TV wasn't an option?

There really was a time when, if you wanted to watch a TV show, you arranged your schedule so that you'd be on the couch at the appointed time in order to watch it. OR, if you were technologically savvy, you programmed your VCR (remember those?) to tape it so you could watch it later. If you missed it, TOO BAD! You were screwed, no second chances! You couldn't go online to watch old episodes (the Internet? What was that?) And if you wanted to see two shows that were on at the same time, you switched back and forth during commercials and hoped you didn't miss anything else. And do you even remember commercials?? You couldn't fast-forward or skip them, you just had to sit there and watch them (or else you left the room to do the dishes or use the restroom, and then came running back when you heard the show come on). Watching TV was hard work!

Remember when you had to buy whole albums if you wanted to hear a song?

There was a day before iTunes, before Napster, and before mp3s, when if you wanted to hear a song, you had to buy the whole album! You would only know one song, but you paid for thirteen in order to get that one (so you really hoped that the other songs were at least halfway decent! One-hit wonders were the bane of our existence!) If buying the album wasn't an option, then you had to tape it off of the radio! I would leave a tape in my boombox, and when I heard a song that I liked come on, I'd race over and hit record. Consequently, I had a whole bunch of tapes with random songs that were usually missing the very beginning and included bits of dialogue or other songs at the tail end.



Remember when nobody had cell phones?

My first cell phone

This is probably the biggest one, because cell phones have entirely changed the way we now live our lives. I was alive for it, but I have trouble remembering a time when you couldn't call to say you were on your way somewhere, ask for directions when you missed a turn, or let someone know that you were going to be late. Particularly since I have to drive to clients' homes for a living, I rely heavily on my cell phone for all of those things. What on earth did therapists do before there were cell phones??? And what did people play games on while they waited for doctor or dentist appointments? How did people get through the day without being able to check their email? And how did people get in touch during business hours without being able to text? I swear, we used to live in the dark ages!



Remember Lite-Brites?

I don't remember them all that well either, though we did buy one at a garage sale when I was little. It was pretty fun until we poked holes in all the papers and then lost all the tiny pieces. So that didn't make a huge impact on my life, but when I asked J for suggestions, his first two were, "LITE-BRITES! They were AWESOME!" and "playing in the street". The former had better visual aids than the latter, so I went with that ;)




After Lite-Brites, the ideas J and I came up with got pretty lame (it's late, we're tired) so that's all we've got for now :) I'm sure I missed some good ones though, so help me out and let me know what you're feeling nostalgic for!

Why It Was Vitally Important That I Cut All My Hair Off

Sometimes in life you can change the direction you're going in without too much of a fight, and sometimes you have to hit rock bottom before you can muster some upward mobility again.

I think I'm mostly a "hit rock bottom first, and then really turn things around!" kind of girl. That phrase always brings to mind drug addiction and suicide, but I don't mean it that way at all. Before you start worrying about me, let me give you an example that I think everyone can relate to - weight loss and body image.

I'd say that the way I feel about my body tends to ebb and flow from one day to the next; some days I'm convinced I look great, and others I'm convinced it would be an insult to the world to go outside in anything less than a muumuu. However, most valleys are followed relatively quickly by a peak, so I end up just going along with my life like always (i.e., I don't change anything). But every so often, the valley just keeps on going, and it usually has such a gradual slope that it takes me a while to realize how unhappy with myself I am getting.

And then suddenly, BANG, ROCK BOTTOM! One minute I'm moping about the cellulite on my thighs that no swimsuit cover-up will actually be able to cover, and the next moment something clicks in my head and I go, "Wait, why am I spending this time hating myself? Why not do something about it?" And then I have this moment of absolute clarity when I am suddenly passionately and enthusiastically driven to make a change! I have no idea why it suddenly goes from, "I hate the way I look, I will never go out in public again without people laughing at how big my butt is", to, "I'm going to join a gym and make a spreadsheet and then sign up again for Weight Watchers and there will be graphs and I can't wait, I'm going to go start right now!"


I really have no idea why, for the life of me, I can't just decide to whole-halfheartedly commit myself to a difficult task (and let's be honest, change is always difficult!). I can make a decision to do something, but I usually end up with a split personality - half of me is saying, "You want to change your body, so get thee to the gym!" and the other half is saying, "I love me and Jason loves me and I'd really rather stay here with him and watch a movie tonight". In the end, no matter if I go to the gym or not, half of me ends up cranky with the other half, which means I'm just cranky at me, and that just makes me cranky and annoying. So unless I have that big bang moment to really get me excited about the process, it just never works out. And that spark only shows up when I'm in the dark at the very bottom (where all the rocks are, which is why, of course, it's called rock bottom).

And just for the record, before you start thinking I'm a crazy yo-yo dieter, I need to brag for a moment - every time I've made that change, I've followed through. (Okay, I'm technically off the wagon from the gym right now, but I've kept off 10 of the 14 pounds I've lost in the last year! That's not a binge or crash diet, that's a lifestyle change, and I'm quite proud of myself for that one). So while my moods may plummet and rebound at ridiculous speeds, my commitment to the lifestyle changes made during that moment when the dark changed to light doesn't ricochet up and down like a bullet - it remains steady.

So, with that said, I'll get back to "Why It Was Vitally Important That I Cut All My Hair Off".

During my formative years (haha, look how old I am now, apparently! I have formative years!) I always spent a lot of time on my hair (a lot). And my makeup. And my clothes. And my shoes. And my earrings. (You get the point). But over the last few years, I stopped doing all those things (some of them slowly, and some of them very abruptly). I didn't have time, emotional energy, or money. I traded in putting on mascara for an extra 5 minutes of sleep, and putting my hair in a pony-tail for another 30. I got used to buying the cheapest clothing items I could find and owning just enough of them so that I could make it through a work week without too many funny looks.

Before I realized it, what had started off as a time and money saver had become an enforced way of life. Even if I'd WANTED to wake up earlier and do my hair, I didn't own any hair products anymore. My makeup was old, and I was out of practice using it. And so this last fall, I had one of those rock bottom moments.

I realized that I avoided looking in the mirror because I didn't like what I saw there anymore (and this is after the weight loss, so it was something new and different this time). I didn't think I was hideous, but I recognized that all I did everyday was roll out of bed and put in the minimum amount of effort in order to get by - smooth down the frizzies, powder away the shine, and make sure my clothing covered the necessary body parts. I didn't put any effort into myself. I'd lost all of the items and skills that I used to use to make myself sparkle. Now, instead of looking like Carolyn, I just looked like a lump of blah. I used to stand out from the crowd in photos (or I thought I did, anyhow!) and now I either blended into the background or stood out because of my obvious lack of effort.

Now, I do think that I used to place too much emphasis on my appearance, so not all of the changes I had made were negative. I continue to be proud that I can now shower, get dressed, do my hair and makeup, and be out the door in less than an hour (at my peak, it took me 2-3 hours before I'd leave, even just to go to the grocery store!)

So when I had this moment of clarity, it was harder than usual to figure out what action I should take. If you feel fat, you should eat better and work out more. If you feel like blah, you should . . . ??? Well, there are a LOT of things I could have chosen to do, but I focused in on my trademark - my ponytail (I worked in Phoenix for almost 2 years, and I think there was only one person there who ever saw my hair down). When I woke up in the morning, I would put my hair in a ponytail, fix the frizzies, and that's how it would stay for the rest of the day. At the end of the day I'd shower, put it in a ponytail again, and go to sleep. For very special occasions I would sometimes put in the effort to curl it and wear it down, but by that point I was out of practice and it just felt WEIRD having my hair in the way all the time! After an hour or two I just ended up annoyed and anxious to get it out of my face and into a ponytail again.

So at this point I did the only reasonable thing I could do - I made an appointment with a hairdresser, sat in the chair, and said, "I'm having a mid-mid-life crisis and need a big change" :) So we chopped it all off. And it was terrifying, because now people were going to be LOOKING at me when I went to work (you can't hide that kind of change!) Therefore, even if I didn't want to, I had to put in a little extra effort in the mornings because all eyes would be on me. Before I knew it, I was doing a little bit more each day. I was putting on a little bit of eyeliner before leaving the house. Then I was putting on little earrings (if I was going to be seeing clients that day who wouldn't try to yank them out, anyhow!) Then I was putting on a little bit of eyeshadow, and then I realized that I looked funny wearing makeup and doing my hair and wearing my work clothes, so I splurged on a few tee-shirts and some shorts that fit nicely. Suddenly, I was a new woman!

It's been 4 months now, and I'm not going to lie - I'm still trying to figure out what the heck I'm doing with my hair (I've always been good with makeup and clothes, but hair and I have never been able to understand each other). I had to buy all new styling tools and hair products and teach myself how to use everything again. In an attempt to combine effort AND ease, I am now determined to find the magic combination of hair products that will let my hair embrace it's natural waviness without descending into chaos and messiness (it's still a work in progress, we'll leave it at that!) I have certainly not achieved hair nirvana, but that was never the goal I was working towards (though if anyone knows how to get there, please fill me in!). I was looking to break out of the rut I'd gotten myself into, and by making my hair short enough that I couldn't put it in a ponytail even if I wanted to, I made sure I couldn't revert to my old habits.

I still don't spend that much time on my clothing or makeup in the morning, and I don't always leave the house liking the way my hair has turned out, but I tell you what - I always leave the house having at least tried, in one way or another, to put forth some effort and take pride in my appearance.

And I feel good about myself for that.

See, short hair! Now, it was humid as heck and we'd gone on an adventure in the rainforest that day, so my hair is pretty much doing it's own thing in this photo. And while I sweated it all off and you can't see it, I had put on a little bit of makeup before we left the house in the morning. And I was wearing one of my new pairs of shorts, too. So even for hiking, I put in at least a little bit of effort. Not too shabby, if I do say so myself . . . 

I Don't Understand Weddings

I don't understand weddings.

Well okay, I get the concept of marriage, and therefore the pomp and circumstance that goes along with it. I've done that, I get that.

What I don't get are all of the "traditional" components of a wedding that don't seem to have a purpose other than costing a lot of money. What, really, are the point of party favors? Do any wedding guests really save those candles or bubbles to reminisce over in the future? As much as I enjoy the purpose of a wedding, the whole thing always looks to me like a giant barter - you buy me presents, and in exchange, I'll buy you dinner and drinks. (Which is why for my wedding, we cut out the middle man - let's just all bring something for dinner and call it even). I can't imagine how much it must cost to throw a traditional wedding.

My main issue, though, is that attending a wedding is an expensive affair. I admit to there being times where I've really wanted to attend the special event, but it was just too cost prohibitive. Most of the time there is travel involved (which means paying for the drive, airfare, and/or hotel accommodations), finding something appropriate to wear to the event (and buying something, if you happen to be, like me, short on clothing), and of course, presents.

Buying presents is where you really start to lose me. If you are moving out of your parents home and starting off with nothing to your name, I totally understand the need to register for gifts. However, these days most people have been living on their own (and maybe even living together), so registering for gifts sometimes just seems like an excuse to ask people to buy you things you can't afford. I don't have much money, and I very rarely buy anything for myself. But you really can't go to a wedding and NOT bring a gift, so I at least try to pick the most functional thing off of the gift registry. Everyone needs things to cook with and eat off of, so I can justify that. But do you really need 18 place settings that you'll probably only use once or twice a year? If I can't seem to justify buying myself a tee-shirt from Target (the ones I wear the most are hand-me-downs from my sisters or ones I bought at a flea market three years ago) why should I have to buy you a sculpture or camping gear? How about you buy your own camping gear, and I'll make sure I don't show up to your party naked ;)

I have a number of weddings this summer, and I want to attend all of the parties for all of the couples because they are people that I care about and want to share this joyous moment of their lives with. But with the changes we are making to our budget in order to save up for a child, I simply cannot afford three separate trips out of town for bridal showers, three separate gifts for each of the bridal showers, and money for dinner/drinks/shenanigans for any bachelorette parties that are planned (and BOY do those parties usually end up expensive!) in ADDITION to the cost involved of attending the wedding and buying presents for that event as well. I just can't do it, and if I can't go, I look like I don't care. And I do care. I just don't care for spending that much money when I could be saving for a baby (I like babies more than I like giving people expensive stuff).

And so here is where I need some advice, because I'm too jaded and ignorant to know what the proper wedding gift etiquette is.

If you are invited to a bridal shower, a bachelorette party, and a wedding, do you buy gifts for all of those events, or is one gift enough?

Help me please, because I want to attend everything, but I don't want to show up empty handed and break any of the unwritten rules that I am completely unaware of. Is it okay to attend a wedding on a budget and only provide one gift, or do rules dictate I not attend the parties if I can't participate in the gift exchange as well?

Medical Professionals, Give Me Some Credit!

Before I say anything else, I just want to say that I have the utmost respect for medical professionals. I have a lot of family who work in the field, I've worked with some amazing people, and I still plan to go back to nursing school eventually (I'll be that old lady in your class making references and analogies between the homework assignment and some random story about my kids. Look for me there!)

BUT! As someone who's seen plenty of doctors during the course of my life, spanning a number of different disciplines (both for myself and for my siblings), I can tell you that for everyone one person you find that's really really great, you find ten that are worthless. (My particular pet peeve are pediatric personnel who act like they've never dealt with a child before in their lives, namely because I'm sure I could do what they are doing better than they are with only the minimal training I have).

What bothers me most overall, though, are the doctors/nurses/PA's/NP's/etc. who treat me like I don't know what I'm talking about. And when I say that, I don't mean that I'm trying to dispense medical knowledge. I mean that if I tell you something is wrong with my body, I expect you to take me seriously. I'm a big advocate for knowing your body and your limits, and I'm pretty good at knowing when something needs attention.

In their defense, I'm sure being a nurse or a doctor you see thousands of people who are absolutely imbecilic when it comes to dealing with their own health. I don't doubt that you end up cynical about the intelligence of your average patient. I've had my share of false alarms too, but at the very least, if my "cold" that won't go away after four weeks turns out just to be allergies, I can learn something from that, which means that my trip to urgent care wasn't a complete waste of either your or my time. I'll know for the future how to avoid it and won't be coming back again soon. (During that particular trip I got one of the best pieces of medical advice that I can't believe nobody had told me about earlier - the benefits of regularly using a sinus rinse. Doing so has changed my life, and now my sister's, since somebody else finally took my advice and gave it a try! I owe that PA, whose name I don't remember.) Please don't dismiss me immediately without listening to my story, because I may just be one of the few patients with something real to say. The majority of the time, my complaints are warranted and have at least some basis in reality. So please, try to treat all patients like they are worthy of listening to, on the off chance that they know what they are talking about.

Also, please don't dismiss what I say based solely upon your previous experiences. You may honestly have never had a patient who reacted negatively to a generic version of a medication, but that doesn't mean that it hasn't ever happened (all it takes is a quick internet search to find out that it has, because that many people sharing the same story can't be a fluke) or that it isn't currently happening to me. If I tell you that I have already tried to switch from a name brand to a generic and had truly AWFUL results, I need you to trust me, because I have no reason to lie. (I've been broke for years, trust me, nobody wants a generic brand drug more than me!) If you REALLY are insistent that I try the generic again, and I agree but say that I plan on calling for a new prescription if it doesn't work, then take my call when I try to tell you it isn't working! Don't string me along for a week, having various nurses leave me voicemails with ridiculous and conflicting advice, before I have to take more time off of work to come in and tell you in person what I told you the first time - it didn't work. My health is important to me, and with as much trust as I put into the hands of anyone who is taking care of me, I expect some level of trust in return, particularly when it comes to what I tell you of my own experiences. You can't confirm or deny what I am going through, and while I'm sure you have to look out for drug-seeking or other manipulative people, please try to trust me when I tell you how I am being affected by your decisions.

And finally, please don't put the cart before the horse - run your tests first and THEN give me your medical diagnosis! I went this morning for a throat culture because I thought I had strep throat. Again, the nurse didn't know me and I didn't know her, so she had no reason to trust my instincts except for the fact that the respectful thing to do would be at least to listen to them and take them into account. I told her my symptoms and she looked in my throat. She said she saw no signs of strep, but she (rather reluctantly) said she'd do the rapid test anyhow. I told her again that I rarely show the classic white spots on the back of my throat but that during the course of my career working with small children, I've had enough head colds and strep throat to know the difference. While the test is running, she is telling me to drink lots of fluids, take Advil, and use throat lozenges (DUH!) She gave me all the paperwork to send me packing and sent me to the waiting room to, well, wait :) After a few minutes, she brings me back into the room and says, "Did you say you'd had strep before?" Apparently, the test results looked like they were coming back positive, so she wanted to do it again to double check. Hey, I am all for thoroughness, but this was clearly being thorough because she didn't think it could be true. Well guess what, ladies and gentlemen? THE SECOND TEST CAME BACK POSITIVE! She was really shocked. I felt vindicated, but mostly really really awful (because, if you'll recall, I had strep throat, and that is miserable).

So I got my antibiotics and got in the car feeling, as mentioned, vindicated and yucky, but mostly I just felt angry. Because while most of the medical professionals I've ever dealt with were very sweet and well-meaning, the reason I ended up persevering in all those cases is because I know my body and I know enough about common illnesses and medical protocol (from my past experiences, I'm not claiming to have a medical degree) to know when to stand up and be assertive. So I'm upset on behalf of all the people who don't know enough about what they're being told to know when to object, or who don't know their bodies well-enough to trust those instincts that tell you when something is really wrong.

So to all of those doctors, nurses, pharmacists, physician's assistants, nurse practitioners, x-ray technicians, and everyone else that I can't remember to name who take the time to really talk and listen to their patients, and take what they have to say into account, I salute you. You have an incredibly difficult and important job, and you have managed to find a way to be the exception to the rule. You are my heroes, and I really aspire one day to be among your ranks. But to all of you who are going into any situation as a patient, I urge you to go in prepared to ask questions, be honest, and stand up for yourself and your own health.

In the meantime, my Advil is wearing off and it's getting hard to swallow, so I'm going to return to my "sick" spot on the couch next to J (who was also home sick today - don't come visit us, we're toxic!) and take some more medicine. Because right now I am listening very closely to my body, and it's telling me to go do that, so I will. What's that you say, body? I should also eat a cookie while I'm at it? I guess I'd better take that advice while I'm at it :)

Progressive - Can You Do Dental, Also?

I went to the dentist today, and (as always!) they found more issues with my teeth that really need to be fixed (and before people start saying that my dentist is just trying to rip me off, I'd like to say that the dentist I had a few months ago had pointed out the same issues, so I think it's legit. Also, I can see it, and it hurts. So I'm not concerned that my dentist is making stuff up).

But also (of course!) the work that needs to be done is more preventative than anything else, so insurance doesn't cover it. (Personally, I think that if it's needed in order to avoid a future root canal, that should be covered!) I'd had to budget for the work I was there for today, and therefore didn't have the money to get the additional work done right away. Instead, I asked them to give me a printout of the price quote so I could start saving and then know when to call back and make an appointment. (They acted like I'd made a strange request, does nobody else have this issue? Are we the only couple that doesn't have a separate dental savings account?)

So here is my beef with dental insurance - when you sign up and look at what the insurance will cover, the numbers look pretty good. But when it comes time to actually see how much something will cost, it's always way more! Either the materials the insurance will cover aren't the best (though trust me, spring for the better resin/composite fillings and avoid all the hundreds of dollars of work I'm currently having done to replace my old alloy ones after they've cracked my teeth) or you have to pay for extra work in order to get the covered work done, or they find a way to claim that the work isn't necessary and therefore won't be covered.

Now, I have no idea how dental pricing works - is it like going to the grocery store, where (for the most part) prices for similar items will be relatively comparable, or like getting work done on your car or house, where you'd better get a bunch of quotes because they'll probably vary by a lot? I don't have time to visit multiple dentists for price quotes, so I'm stuck with what this one dentist tells me is the price to save my teeth from ultimate destruction ;)

So, Progressive? You know how you do those car insurance commercials where you compare how much other insurance providers cost? Would you mind doing that for dental work so that I know if I'm being ripped off? I'd probably even be willing to pay a small fee in exchange for knowing who offers the best rates for the work I need done.

I think it's a brilliant idea. So someone out there, start compiling a list of common dental services and how much different dentists charge for the work. In the meantime, I'm off to find things to take to the recycling center so that I can start saving up for my next visit!

Pinching Pennies vs. Little Luxuries - The Epic Throwdown!

So obviously a lot of what we're focused on these days has to do with money - where it's gone, where it is going now, where it will be headed next, and all those other petty, boring details. And obviously, we're very invested (haha, money pun!) in using our money wisely. However, this leads (as it always does) to the age old question:

How do we save as much money as possible while making sure that we don't end up depriving ourselves to the point of ending up in the insane asylum? At what point does it shift from being wise financial planning to sacrificing the quality of life we have in the here and now?

We've done this dance before (though usually out of necessity. If you have no money in the bank, you don't have the option to treat yourself to anything!) and as I've already admitted, I'm still working on finding the balance between the two extremes. But I think it's really important to acknowledge that what you really need to do is find the balance that works for you.


Pinching Pennies - Sustainability
I read on someone else's blog a while back (and I can't remember whose it was! Eeek! Someone email me if you find the article so I can give credit where it is due!) that being frugal isn't a sprint, it's a marathon. And I think that's brilliant. It's like dieting - sure, you can do some crazy diet where you nothing but water and one kind of fruit for two weeks (I just made that up, but it sounds like something that people would do, right?) and yeah, you'd lose a few pounds initially, but where does that get you? You'll end up craving something else so insanely that before you know it'll, you'll go bonkers and eat everything in your kitchen, and end up gaining it all back PLUS some extra (just to teach you a lesson!) Saving pennies by cutting down on everything we do or buy might help in the short term, but eventually, it's bound to backfire.

Bottom line: You have to view this kind of lifestyle change realistically, which means that you need to set goals that are reasonable for you. A lot of people who blog about being frugal have made some very drastic changes to their lives, and I applaud them, but those aren't things that would work for J and I. If you can't commit to it long-term, then quit kidding yourself.


Little Luxuries - What Makes Life Worth Living
What I haven't read much about on anybody's blog is how to be frugal while still remembering to treat yourself well and indulge (though sparingly) on the little things that are important to you. I don't mind making my lunch each day, but I tend to spend more money than J on things like hair products and makeup (which certainly doesn't mean I spend much, it just means that J spends almost nothing on those things!) Being able to go out to lunch with his coworkers is important to J, though, and he doesn't care to spend money on foundation and mascara ;) So in those respects, we have opposite luxuries that we certainly could cut out of our budget entirely (there are times that we have done so, and it would be easy enough to do again, if it became absolutely necessary) but if you cut out all of your little luxuries, then what is the point of your life each day?

Any time we end up identifying something that we really don't want to cut out of our lives (which we usually do on accident and after the fact!) the question is then simply an issue of how to cut down the cost as much as possible. Except for a few things that I refuse to scrimp on (because a lot of times, you do get what you pay for! That's just one more balancing act to try to figure out) I buy super cheap makeup and hair products, and J goes to pretty cheap places for lunch (he might also be phasing out some of his lunches each week, but that is a different post!)

This also ties into my above point about sustainability, because if you cut out EVERYTHING in your day to day life that wasn't 100% necessary, trust me, at some point you'd have a mental break and go on a spending rampage :) Then you're miserable (because that's what led to the mental break in the first place), you just spent the money you were supposed to be saving, and now you probably feel really guilty, also.

Bottom Line: Everybody has those little treats that makes themselves feel special and happy (J enjoys Baskin-Robbins ice cream, I enjoy a bottle of shampoo or a new thing to make the toilet water blue!) and if you can find a way to keep it reasonable, isn't it better just to budget yourself a little bit of "fun money" to play with, rather than waiting until you feel so bitter and angry at your budget that you throw it out the window?



The Balancing Act
So we're still working on finding the happy medium between those two extremes :) We're doing a lot of experimenting right now on a number of fronts (food and personal care, in particular!) which I've been photographing, so I have some fun future posts planned out ;) Keep your eyes peeled for those (because they're bound to be entertaining!) and if you have any suggestions for ways to cut costs without cutting out everything, I'd love to hear them!


* Update 3/20/10 *
Apparently, I started a trend in the discussion of this topic! Here are some other great posts on the same topic.
 The Balance Between Splurger and Miser 
The Balanced Money Formula

How Much Stuff Is Too Much Stuff?

I love stuff. I love random gadgets and electronic toys, I love books, I love candles and picture frames and random little things that you put on ledges because they're too cute to hide but you can't seem to find a real PLACE in the house where they specifically belong.

As many of you know, three years ago I had to move suddenly and took with me a (really big) suitcase, a computer, and not much else (everything else went into a storage unit). After about a year, we ran out of money to pay for the unit and didn't have the money (or space) to move all of our stuff to our current apartment. So, we got rid of all of it.

As someone who loves stuff, that was a painful decision for me! I still miss my light switches/dimmers with the remote control (so that I could set the level of lighting I wanted without ever having to leave the bed, that was my favorite gadget of all time! If I could steal one thing back from that storage unit, that would be it. Anybody know where I could buy a new one?) I miss the bookcase my dad bought and painted for me when I was 5, the desk J bought for me when I quit work to move in with him and go back to school, and I miss all the purses and shoes and random things I can't even remember at this point. And even this many years later, I admit that just thinking about all of those things makes me kind of weepy and nostalgic because I still want all my stuff back.

But when we actually got rid of it, nothing in our life changed (well, it even got better, because we didn't have that expense anymore!) We bought the things we NEEDED when we moved (some non-plastic kitchen-ware, a mattress, a table to put our computers on) and over time, we've replaced some of that original stuff (as of a month and a half ago, we have a COUCH! And a CHAIR that I can sit on when we have company, instead of sitting on the floor! It's like being civilized again!) But was my life any worse without my cute lamps? Of course not. I still missed them, but unless I thought about them specifically, there was never any point during my day when I thought, "Darn! If only I had that super cute little lamp right now, things would be so much better!"

So obviously, I am not one to preach minimalism, because I really just love things too much to try to deny it ;) But at some point it's interesting to ask yourself, "How much stuff is too much stuff?" For this guy, the answer is that pretty much all of his stuff is too much stuff ;) I'm not going to go that far, but I do recommend the "moving test" (that I just made up right now, but is really too brilliant to keep to myself).

This is the test:

You have two days to move out of your home and into another home (it could be a similar sized home, or a bigger or smaller one, that part isn't important). The catch is that you have to do the moving yourself. Well, in real life your friends and family probably wouldn't let you shoulder that kind of burden (hahaha, literally and figuratively! I'm so clever sometimes) alone. So let's say that you can have one person help you. (Now, as someone who has moved a LOT, I'd like to take a moment to remind you that even if that one friend is really big and burly, it is horribly time consuming and emotionally draining to set up boxes, pack them, tape them, move them to a vehicle, take them out of a vehicle, unpack them, break down the boxes, and put everything away.) At the end of the first day, when you realize that you won't be able to finish moving everything in the time you have left, what do you get rid of?

I think the most "spring cleaning" I've ever done is in the middle of a move, because at some point I end up getting so mad at my stuff that I just start chucking it in the trash ;)  And that's why this is such a great test (though admittedly, once I wish I didn't seem to keep doing annually!) The things that REALLY matter to you (wedding photos, favorite clothing items, your blankie your grandma made you when you were a baby) will make it through all of those moves. The rest of the stuff that you've collected along the way without meaning to (old tee-shirts you don't wear anymore, batteries that may or may not be dead, mostly empty bottle of lotion) are suddenly, very obviously, not worth keeping around. It's just not worth the effort it would take to move them. And if it's not worth the effort, why on earth do you still have it lying around, anyhow?

So, while I would like to not have to put myself through that test again for at LEAST another 6 months (or a year, that would be nice!) I think it's helpful to keep in mind when contemplating a purchase. "Do I want this lamp so badly that I'd go through the hassle to move it across the state, if I had to?" And if the answer is "no", then save yourself the hassle (and the money!) and move on to lunch, because that is a purchase that you can enjoy without having to worry about packing and moving 6 months from now :)