Well okay, I get the concept of marriage, and therefore the pomp and circumstance that goes along with it. I've done that, I get that.
What I don't get are all of the "traditional" components of a wedding that don't seem to have a purpose other than costing a lot of money. What, really, are the point of party favors? Do any wedding guests really save those candles or bubbles to reminisce over in the future? As much as I enjoy the purpose of a wedding, the whole thing always looks to me like a giant barter - you buy me presents, and in exchange, I'll buy you dinner and drinks. (Which is why for my wedding, we cut out the middle man - let's just all bring something for dinner and call it even). I can't imagine how much it must cost to throw a traditional wedding.
My main issue, though, is that attending a wedding is an expensive affair. I admit to there being times where I've really wanted to attend the special event, but it was just too cost prohibitive. Most of the time there is travel involved (which means paying for the drive, airfare, and/or hotel accommodations), finding something appropriate to wear to the event (and buying something, if you happen to be, like me, short on clothing), and of course, presents.
Buying presents is where you really start to lose me. If you are moving out of your parents home and starting off with nothing to your name, I totally understand the need to register for gifts. However, these days most people have been living on their own (and maybe even living together), so registering for gifts sometimes just seems like an excuse to ask people to buy you things you can't afford. I don't have much money, and I very rarely buy anything for myself. But you really can't go to a wedding and NOT bring a gift, so I at least try to pick the most functional thing off of the gift registry. Everyone needs things to cook with and eat off of, so I can justify that. But do you really need 18 place settings that you'll probably only use once or twice a year? If I can't seem to justify buying myself a tee-shirt from Target (the ones I wear the most are hand-me-downs from my sisters or ones I bought at a flea market three years ago) why should I have to buy you a sculpture or camping gear? How about you buy your own camping gear, and I'll make sure I don't show up to your party naked ;)
I have a number of weddings this summer, and I want to attend all of the parties for all of the couples because they are people that I care about and want to share this joyous moment of their lives with. But with the changes we are making to our budget in order to save up for a child, I simply cannot afford three separate trips out of town for bridal showers, three separate gifts for each of the bridal showers, and money for dinner/drinks/shenanigans for any bachelorette parties that are planned (and BOY do those parties usually end up expensive!) in ADDITION to the cost involved of attending the wedding and buying presents for that event as well. I just can't do it, and if I can't go, I look like I don't care. And I do care. I just don't care for spending that much money when I could be saving for a baby (I like babies more than I like giving people expensive stuff).
And so here is where I need some advice, because I'm too jaded and ignorant to know what the proper wedding gift etiquette is.
If you are invited to a bridal shower, a bachelorette party, and a wedding, do you buy gifts for all of those events, or is one gift enough?Help me please, because I want to attend everything, but I don't want to show up empty handed and break any of the unwritten rules that I am completely unaware of. Is it okay to attend a wedding on a budget and only provide one gift, or do rules dictate I not attend the parties if I can't participate in the gift exchange as well?
I think you should do whatever you want or are able to do. If they don't understand that you are having financial difficulties then they really aren't good friends in the first place.
ReplyDeleteIf you do agree to go, ESPECIALLY to the wedding, please attend and don't not show up because you don't have a gift. 20 people failed to show up at my wedding and cost my parents an extra $2000+ they didn't need to spend. Plus it cost us time and effort trying to seat them appropriately, getting them their wedding favors, etc.
I wouldn't show up to a wedding empty handed, but even a small gift card, a less expensive thing off their registry, or some fun cloth napkins (you can make them yourself with a napkin ring) might just do the trick. Of course...that might just depend on the bride and you would know which one is a bridezilla (if any) and which one is not.
In regards to my wedding favors I just did candy and that worked out ok. My parents wanted a really big wedding and they wanted to throw a good party because it made them happy.
The bachelorette party and bridal shower are really fun, but they can get out of hand because of the gifts or getaway involved. Use your good judgement and talk to the bride or planner.
Keep in mind I don't know all the wedding etiquette so I am just thinking about what I would do if I were you.
I would talk to the person that invited you (bride/groom). Personally I would prefer the guest and not have the present. Stuff doesn't matter, people do!
ReplyDeleteOh gosh no, I would NEVER RSVP and then not go! I like the idea of making napkins though, that is a cute idea! I wish I had my sewing machine still . . . that was a loss :( And your wedding was beautiful, I don't mean to discount it, and I think edible items are the way to go with party favors ;) Everyone appreciates those!
ReplyDeleteIf you are invited and attend a bridal shower you're buying gifts off the same registry as the wedding, so you've already fulfilled your bartering requirement ;) Seriously though, the women who attended my bridal shower came to the wedding with nice congrats cards. So, there's one gift less. As for the bachelorette party ... buy the bride a drink!
ReplyDeleteI'll think about this more seriously, but there's all kinds of things that you can do on the cheap that are wedding gift appropriate.
Overall though, one gift is enough.
Also, I don't know about most brides, but if I knew that someone was coming in from out of town I considered that they paid to come their gift.
For a bachlorette party, no gift required! You just show up for a good time. For my bachlorette party a couple of girls bought some fun games to play and that was all.
ReplyDeleteOne person who came to both my bridal shower and wedding just gave me a gift at the bridal shower, and that was just fine with me. Other than that, I don't remember who didn't get me a gift (I mean that I know some people didn't get us gifts, but I don't know who, and it doesn't really matter).
If you want to go to a bridal shower and give a gift, buy something like shower body scrub (which I got as a present and love). Something that is cheap but for the bride to have. It doesn't HAVE to be something off their registry.
Same thing for the wedding. If you are going to feel so guilty about not bringing a gift to a wedding that you won't show up, then bring something cheap and thoughtful. Or homemade.
But in the end if you can't afford to go to the wedding because it's too expensive, just send a card and say how much you wished you could have gone and you look forward to seeing the couple sometime soon. Wow, this is much longer than necessary, but I think if you like the person and can afford to go to the wedding/shower/b-party, go and save yourself the expense of a gift. Most likely they won't notice.