I think I'm mostly a "hit rock bottom first, and then really turn things around!" kind of girl. That phrase always brings to mind drug addiction and suicide, but I don't mean it that way at all. Before you start worrying about me, let me give you an example that I think everyone can relate to - weight loss and body image.
I'd say that the way I feel about my body tends to ebb and flow from one day to the next; some days I'm convinced I look great, and others I'm convinced it would be an insult to the world to go outside in anything less than a muumuu. However, most valleys are followed relatively quickly by a peak, so I end up just going along with my life like always (i.e., I don't change anything). But every so often, the valley just keeps on going, and it usually has such a gradual slope that it takes me a while to realize how unhappy with myself I am getting.
And then suddenly, BANG, ROCK BOTTOM! One minute I'm moping about the cellulite on my thighs that no swimsuit cover-up will actually be able to cover, and the next moment something clicks in my head and I go, "Wait, why am I spending this time hating myself? Why not do something about it?" And then I have this moment of absolute clarity when I am suddenly passionately and enthusiastically driven to make a change! I have no idea why it suddenly goes from, "I hate the way I look, I will never go out in public again without people laughing at how big my butt is", to, "I'm going to join a gym and make a spreadsheet and then sign up again for Weight Watchers and there will be graphs and I can't wait, I'm going to go start right now!"
I really have no idea why, for the life of me, I can't just decide to whole-halfheartedly commit myself to a difficult task (and let's be honest, change is always difficult!). I can make a decision to do something, but I usually end up with a split personality - half of me is saying, "You want to change your body, so get thee to the gym!" and the other half is saying, "I love me and Jason loves me and I'd really rather stay here with him and watch a movie tonight". In the end, no matter if I go to the gym or not, half of me ends up cranky with the other half, which means I'm just cranky at me, and that just makes me cranky and annoying. So unless I have that big bang moment to really get me excited about the process, it just never works out. And that spark only shows up when I'm in the dark at the very bottom (where all the rocks are, which is why, of course, it's called rock bottom).
And just for the record, before you start thinking I'm a crazy yo-yo dieter, I need to brag for a moment - every time I've made that change, I've followed through. (Okay, I'm technically off the wagon from the gym right now, but I've kept off 10 of the 14 pounds I've lost in the last year! That's not a binge or crash diet, that's a lifestyle change, and I'm quite proud of myself for that one). So while my moods may plummet and rebound at ridiculous speeds, my commitment to the lifestyle changes made during that moment when the dark changed to light doesn't ricochet up and down like a bullet - it remains steady.
So, with that said, I'll get back to "Why It Was Vitally Important That I Cut All My Hair Off".
During my formative years (haha, look how old I am now, apparently! I have formative years!) I always spent a lot of time on my hair (a lot). And my makeup. And my clothes. And my shoes. And my earrings. (You get the point). But over the last few years, I stopped doing all those things (some of them slowly, and some of them very abruptly). I didn't have time, emotional energy, or money. I traded in putting on mascara for an extra 5 minutes of sleep, and putting my hair in a pony-tail for another 30. I got used to buying the cheapest clothing items I could find and owning just enough of them so that I could make it through a work week without too many funny looks.
Before I realized it, what had started off as a time and money saver had become an enforced way of life. Even if I'd WANTED to wake up earlier and do my hair, I didn't own any hair products anymore. My makeup was old, and I was out of practice using it. And so this last fall, I had one of those rock bottom moments.
I realized that I avoided looking in the mirror because I didn't like what I saw there anymore (and this is after the weight loss, so it was something new and different this time). I didn't think I was hideous, but I recognized that all I did everyday was roll out of bed and put in the minimum amount of effort in order to get by - smooth down the frizzies, powder away the shine, and make sure my clothing covered the necessary body parts. I didn't put any effort into myself. I'd lost all of the items and skills that I used to use to make myself sparkle. Now, instead of looking like Carolyn, I just looked like a lump of blah. I used to stand out from the crowd in photos (or I thought I did, anyhow!) and now I either blended into the background or stood out because of my obvious lack of effort.
Now, I do think that I used to place too much emphasis on my appearance, so not all of the changes I had made were negative. I continue to be proud that I can now shower, get dressed, do my hair and makeup, and be out the door in less than an hour (at my peak, it took me 2-3 hours before I'd leave, even just to go to the grocery store!)
So when I had this moment of clarity, it was harder than usual to figure out what action I should take. If you feel fat, you should eat better and work out more. If you feel like blah, you should . . . ??? Well, there are a LOT of things I could have chosen to do, but I focused in on my trademark - my ponytail (I worked in Phoenix for almost 2 years, and I think there was only one person there who ever saw my hair down). When I woke up in the morning, I would put my hair in a ponytail, fix the frizzies, and that's how it would stay for the rest of the day. At the end of the day I'd shower, put it in a ponytail again, and go to sleep. For very special occasions I would sometimes put in the effort to curl it and wear it down, but by that point I was out of practice and it just felt WEIRD having my hair in the way all the time! After an hour or two I just ended up annoyed and anxious to get it out of my face and into a ponytail again.
So at this point I did the only reasonable thing I could do - I made an appointment with a hairdresser, sat in the chair, and said, "I'm having a mid-mid-life crisis and need a big change" :) So we chopped it all off. And it was terrifying, because now people were going to be LOOKING at me when I went to work (you can't hide that kind of change!) Therefore, even if I didn't want to, I had to put in a little extra effort in the mornings because all eyes would be on me. Before I knew it, I was doing a little bit more each day. I was putting on a little bit of eyeliner before leaving the house. Then I was putting on little earrings (if I was going to be seeing clients that day who wouldn't try to yank them out, anyhow!) Then I was putting on a little bit of eyeshadow, and then I realized that I looked funny wearing makeup and doing my hair and wearing my work clothes, so I splurged on a few tee-shirts and some shorts that fit nicely. Suddenly, I was a new woman!
It's been 4 months now, and I'm not going to lie - I'm still trying to figure out what the heck I'm doing with my hair (I've always been good with makeup and clothes, but hair and I have never been able to understand each other). I had to buy all new styling tools and hair products and teach myself how to use everything again. In an attempt to combine effort AND ease, I am now determined to find the magic combination of hair products that will let my hair embrace it's natural waviness without descending into chaos and messiness (it's still a work in progress, we'll leave it at that!) I have certainly not achieved hair nirvana, but that was never the goal I was working towards (though if anyone knows how to get there, please fill me in!). I was looking to break out of the rut I'd gotten myself into, and by making my hair short enough that I couldn't put it in a ponytail even if I wanted to, I made sure I couldn't revert to my old habits.
I still don't spend that much time on my clothing or makeup in the morning, and I don't always leave the house liking the way my hair has turned out, but I tell you what - I always leave the house having at least tried, in one way or another, to put forth some effort and take pride in my appearance.
And I feel good about myself for that.
See, short hair! Now, it was humid as heck and we'd gone on an adventure in the rainforest that day, so my hair is pretty much doing it's own thing in this photo. And while I sweated it all off and you can't see it, I had put on a little bit of makeup before we left the house in the morning. And I was wearing one of my new pairs of shorts, too. So even for hiking, I put in at least a little bit of effort. Not too shabby, if I do say so myself . . .
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